Let me begin with saying that I love babies and children. I know many who do not, and that I find understandable, but me myself and I all love les bebes. They, however, do not necessarily love me.
I went to the chiropractor this morgen for emergency back cracking, and in the waiting room I beheld a delightful little cupcake baby. He/she/it was still pretty new, but old enough to hold it’s/his/her head up. It was doing the cutest thing ever and nuzzling it’s mother, snuggling right down into her neck.
On the sly, I was playing games with said babe, making funny faces etc. The Mutter spotted this, and joined in. By this time, the baby’s smiling and laughing, and I’m getting more confident in my entertaining skills. The Mutter starts playing peek-a-boo with a towel and I bring my arms into play, waving about and gesturing in what I hope is an amusing baby-friendly way. Not so. As Mutter cranks up the towel action, and I’m there waving my arms about like a loon on loon pills, the baby sees me for the dog that I am, and a look of pure hatred comes across it’s chubby face. Mum keeps up with the towel and next thing we know…..it’s vom time.
Quick as a flash, a cascade of yellow puke erupts from the hell hole that is this darling baby’s mouth. Mum’s quick to catch it in the towel, but it’s too late Mum, it’s far too late. I have witnessed that which no person who does not have an emotional connection with a baby should ever witness. I have been to the dark side. I am scarred. It is enough to keep me vigilant about contraception for a good few years.
I. WILL. NOT. ENDURE. BABY. SPEW.